3rd month in Melbourne+ Happy Mother's Day

Im at this stage which I would feel the strong guilt for not updating my blog..should I congratulate myself? Most of my blogs are not attractive n any way..there are just simple accounts of some moments in my life.. Thanks to all that have spent time here..really appreciate u guys for forming this kinda motivation..

It's my third month in Melbourne and Im at the stage of self-denying..lots of lots of doubt about myself..and I finally experience failing..not failing as in getting lower marks than expectation but the very real , cruel fact of failing..did I not take law seriously enough? Yes I heard lots of rumours about how scary law school is..even my senior that I regarded as superb told me that law exams are hard to score..joining the facebook group like "I dun need sex coz law school fuck me all the time" ehem..complaining about how smart all other law students are..still.. my awareness of the risk of failing was just on surface..and I still skip lectures so often, had my mind occupied by non-academic activities that I wanted to get
involved in..till the reality struck me when 1 by 1 of the results shot me stunned..

I have forgotten that I wasn't that smart so I really need to work extra hard..my effort might not be less than others but maybe I need more..but I still thought that I have put enough effort..if it's not the problem of effort there must be something else that went wrong (speed was the main culprit but not the sole cause) ..when u felt that u had spent enough time and had enough understanding but u still screwed up..it gonna be a real trouble..which means u need more time to figure out what was the main problem..or even worse if I actually hadn't spend enough time and put enough effort but I thought I had..anyway..even I have failed in everything else I didn't fail in enduring pain..resilience is my only weapon..

Being active for years in school and college..its nearly impossible for me to focus on studies and abandon everything else..but it seems that I have to give up a lot..but my only consolation is that my lifestyle is way more regular than before..i sleep regularly and rarely wake up at midnight to eat..this is the achievement that I intended to have..i should be glad..at least I dun fail completely in my life..

And I realise I didn't play the role of organiser and leader for quite some time..till organising Kian Seng's birthday dinner I realised there's so much that I need to learn..though it was just a casual dinner I have had a self- reflection..we should have taken more pics, we shouldn't have ordered expensive food like shark fin, and worse I shouldn't have ordered beef forgetting that some of them couldn't take it!!And I wasn't good in collecting money either..unfortunately it seems less possible to improve these skills considering that Im not capable to involve myself in too many activities..

Just got my feedback from a lecturer about my assignment and she said that I failed because of my low level of writing skill and I always thought my I could write better than speaking and now both failed.."ur way of expression is problematic".."u need help".."I dun meant to be harsh but I dun want you to continue struggling"..so I screwed the assignment due to my language problem and I always thought that, though I am not very good in language (in comparison to many people) at least it is better than anything else but the only thing that I could be proud of failed me..but I was amazed at my demonstration of resilience..i tried to motivate myself and didn't get emo for long..i felt calm and appreciate the fact that im in a highly competitive environment that enable me to grow and to see something that I have not been exposed to..im not the old me who has always wanted to win in everything anymore..im stronger..

Forgetting about the sad things and think about Mothers day..a favourite blogging topic few days ago¡­.my mum and i..how do I describe.. im a bad girl..i argued with her so often since young..thats how I got the habit of being defensive in talking..and probably that's how I got myself to debate..hehe..we quarrel often just because we are actually so much alike..and we never let that to affect our relationship..i never treated her politely.."thank you" and "sorry" never came out from my mouth..or else its just so not like me..i know what people says about expressing ur love if not u would regret but I just can't make myself to do that..instead I tried to convey my appreciation through helping her n many ways like doing exam paper and getting her favourite drama..but still I would express my intention of helping her indirectly..

She acts and talks like a child..i always laughed at that teasing her that she mixed with primary school kids too much..and she looks like a child coz of her height..my brother and I likes to press on her head..she is hopeless in dealing with technologies..hehe..she express her love so directly that she would wave and kiss repeatedly whenever we end our conversation in skype..she asked me not to learn too much thing because she hopes I get a husband that would do everything for me..she told me so often before that she wouldn't let me to study in foreign countries coz she would not be able to stand not having me with her..she trusts me so much that she never interrogate me regardless of what I do and where I go..she wakes up at 5am everyday just to make healthy fruit juice for us..together with my dad she acted too cute during video call..she said she felt bored without anyone quarrelling with her now..

I dun like chatting with my parents..because I cried everytime after that without fail..

I sang Celion Dion's "because you love me" in one of the lifegroup meetings, 2 days before mother's day with tears lingering in my eyes..




"A mother is the truest friend we have, when trials heavy and sudden, fall upon us; when adversity takes the place of prosperity; when friends who rejoice with us in our sunshine desert us; when trouble thickens around us, still will she cling to us, and endeavor by her kind precepts and counsels to dissipate the clouds of darkness, and cause peace to return to our hearts."
~ Washington Irving